THE MUST HAVE[S] AND CANNOT DO WITHOUT[S]

This friend of mine rang the other day for a chat……. and chatter on we did for almost an hour. It was so pleasant catching up especially in times like these……..social distancing etc. What a punishment  inflicted on us…….. ……..homo sapiens are by nature social animals, herd animals……….. ……..characterized by their ` complex language use ‘……..that is to say we are garrulous……..a bunch of gabblers and jabberers excelling in this verbal dexterity with the accompaniment of body language ……..facial twitches, rolling of eyes, pursing and pouting of lips, rapid hand and finger movements etc. ……….and the full colourful repertoire of this very essence of being a homo sapien can only be realized by being physically next to each other….. minus the muzzle. This is most lamentable……I would like to go on in this vein, ranting and raving…….so cathartic. But I need to rein in these errant thoughts and get down to the topic at hand. As I was beginning to say………my friend and I were chatting and out of the blue she said……` If I could take only two things with me if I had to jump off a sinking ship, I would take my mobile phone and………..’.  I’m not telling you the second one yet.

This is wisdom I share with boundless enthusiasm. You can bemoan the loss of the past all you like………when times were simpler, no internet with a tap on the screen of our mobile phones, no social networking etc. You can come up with a million reasons……..and the problem with us is that we romanticize the past a little too much……..it was always much better in the past we say……..but methinks that is only in retrospect. There’s so much accessibility to global news ……we’re one big global village now….. not scattered countries isolated in their trivial domestic affairs and squabbles ……we get the dirt on everybody now…….so why would we want to be dragged back to the dark ages of ignorance and not necessarily bliss…..for after all……. we are social animals.

When I first landed on Crete in the 80’s, people claimed with such excitement that they were speakers of English……..they rubbed their hands with glee and practiced their English on me and I nodded politely. I remember going to see a doctor about certain pains that I had. Family and friends discussed it at length, diagnosed my symptoms and came to the medical conclusion that I had kidney stones and sent me off to the best urologist in town who……..hurray!….. could whip up some English on the spot……..off the cuff and impromptu. So off I went…….the ground floor was a waiting room with lots of people……..mainly men…….. those of our species predisposed to kidney stones………so it seems. There was a lovely circular wooden staircase that led to the doctor’s office. I knocked and entered……. `Good morr…ning ‘ he said giving his ` rs ‘ a good roll. When it was time to examine me, he struggled for words….. there was no mobile phone then……..it would have been a piece of cake……just tap on translation and hey pronto……. a perfect set of instructions in English. But no……….the poor man had to rack his brains for a bit…….and then suddenly his face lit up……and he said…….` Put your trousers downstairs! ‘

 My life could also have been immeasurably easier with this instant connection to internet in my hand. I could have learnt set phrases from You Tube……..recognized them when they were uttered and given set answers ……..not stumble and fumble and be a huge source of entertainment for others. There was this time when Yiannis introduced me to one of his friends that we chanced upon in the street. He shook my hand and said… ` harika poli ‘…….very pleased to meet you and I replied……` kali oreksi’ ……..bon appétit……..

This handy device has also made us infinitely knowledgeable……. You Tube and other sites provide lessons and instruction on whatever grabs your fancy……. growing orchids, yoga, cooking, getting rid of stubborn stains, learning an extinct language, insights into the symptoms of all illnesses and thus enabling you to challenge  your doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions…. ……….Your doctor examines your throat…….`You’ve  got a minor infection so l’ll put you on….’ You don’t wait for him to finish but barge in with……… …..` Shouldn’t we be doing a sputum culture first? ‘……..` No that’s not necessary. I’ll put you on Augmentin and it should clear up immediately ‘ he says……….` But I think I’ve developed a respiratory infection and I fear it may escalate into galloping pneumonia……so maybe a CT scan….and don’t you think Augmentin is a little too broad spectrum…..what about Claripen …….that should knock the sinister little invaders out of my system…… come to think of it Avalox would be a much better choice…..don’t you think…….it’ll kill two birds with one stone….get rid of my sinusitis as well?’ ………Then you go to the greengrocer’s and discuss your symptoms there…….everybody else joins in and appears to be research partners of the Mayo Clinic and John Hopkins Research University ……..they even seem to be on first term basis with them…………Mayo says this or John says that……..

` Ah ha! ‘……say the detractors of internet………` this is exactly what Socrates meant when he said too much democracy was harmful….. too much information in this case in the wrong hands would be absolutely detrimental ‘….. so they say and rest their case with a smirk. Well…. I’m not so sure about that……you can still have democracy and choices and internet bombarding you with information etc.. …..but shouldn’t you be the one to exercise the final choice, with a certain amount of perception and fine-tuned intelligence? This is what I do……I punch in the symptoms into my phone….a window opens up and says…` these are common symptoms experienced by people of a certain age……it is of no immediate cause for concern unless…….’ I stop right there. I’m not interested in the unless…..or what Mayo or John with their clinical tests and results say……or the 10 signs that indicate you are about ` to shuffle off your mortal coil ‘………no thank you very much, I used to do it before and diagnosed myself with rare illnesses. So now …… I just stick to key words…` common symptoms ‘ ……everybody has them and…..……`no cause for concern ‘ and then…… I forage the U-Tube for homemade cures.

Now ….to the second item that my friend would clutch close to her chest as she vaults off a sinking ship……..Yes! LIPSTICK!…… I can see you arching your eyebrows and rolling your eyes. Scoff all you want but this was a groundbreaking invention that existed from the times of the ancient Sumerians, Greeks and Egyptians. Painting your lips is powerfully evocative……suggesting hidden dimensions to your personality……a slick of pink and you’re innocent and a little coy…….a dash of orange and you’re vibrant and sunny……..a luscious spread of vermillion red and you’re sexy and alluring……a deep scarlet and you’re mysterious and slinky…. a femme fatale…… Do I hear a humph of disdain?……a dismissal of the whole thing as ……..` vanity thy name is woman? ‘………if you think you’re quoting Hamlet ……..wrong…….he said ` frailty ‘……..and I beg your pardon very much …….. both vanity and frailty are human attributes that comprehend no gender boundaries. Our species is defined by our need to decorate ourselves……painted eyes, lips, nails, bodies with elaborate tattoos, upper and lower lip appendages ……….in the past you could only be admitted into the handlebar club if the outer extremities of your moustache were graspable and twirlable with a good dollop of wax……one of these club members had an enormously bushy one that was twirled so far out that it got caught in the door of a London cab. Thank goodness they have been whittled down to something more manageable nowadays.

There’s this little incident I remember that happened some time ago. Yiannis had to attend this building materials exhibition in Thessaloniki in the north of Greece. The night before, he decided to give his moustache a pruning down. From a serious man’s Chevron, it had slipped into a Walrus. So he snipped a little on the right and a little on the left and the left again because it was a little crooked and then ………..horror of horrors!………the left had crept towards a Toothbrush moustache…….. `What shall I do? ‘ he asked ……..` if I shave it off, I won’t recognize myself and neither will anybody else ‘ …..` No need for such extreme measures ‘ I said ….…..` I’ll just fill in the empty spaces with my eyebrow pencil.’ The next morning he left for the airport with the missing bit of his upper lip appendage nicely pencilled in with black kohl.

I rest my case.

If you’re re reading this just type in……… 2 things you’d take with you if you had to jump ship. Don’t bother with sentences or justifications……..unless you’d like to defend your choices….. and don’t worry, we’re not going to laugh at you and even if we did you wouldn’t know….. All contributions might be useful for posterity….

Thank you!